Updated: Jun 12
Accountability after divorce has been LIFE CHANGING for me!
So much went through my mind after divorce. The feeling of being rejected. Feeling unwanted. Feeling fat and ugly. Feeling like I had something to prove. I quickly knew that having these feelings, while having my actions unchecked, was a dangerous combination. “It's not good for man to be alone” (Gen 2:18). I knew that if I was lonely, and alone, I would do something that I would regret.
So I made a conscious decision to pick at least one male friend to be completely vulnerable and transparent with in the area of my sex life. The person I chose happened to be my closest friend. We had already built a trusting relationship in telling one another the deep things concerning the layers of our lives. However, I knew I had to step up the vulnerability game in this area – yes Brene Brown, the Vulnerability Factor became necessary in this phase of my life.
I needed to be honest with him strictly about how I felt about the divorce - How it made me feel in the area of my sex life! My ego and pride was bruised. I wanted to make sure that women still desired me. I wanted to make sure that I could still arouse them. My insecurities had me considering doing reckless things.
Yes, it was crucial, imperative, and vital that when those feelings of wanting to be sexually desired surfaced that I checked in with my accountability partner.
By talking about the “Why” in relation to sex, it helped me get to the root of my feelings. Communication made me admit if I just wanted to ejaculate. At other times, I realized I was just lonely and wanted female company. Other times, I didn't want sex - I just craved physical touch.
For this to work, I had to allow my boy to hold me accountable. First, I had to communicate when I didn't want to. Secondly, I had to tell the truth and be completely honest. And lastly, I had to allow him the space to be brutally honest. I had to hear the things I didn't want to hear. I had to admit to him when I slipped up. I had to be honest about when I ignored his advice. I had to be willing to be held accountable.
Currently, I'm in a steady dating relationship – one woman. I know for a fact I wouldn't be if I hadn't handled my urges responsibly in the initial stages of my divorce. I am forever grateful for the unbiased and unrelenting support of his accountability; for taking his role to hold me accountable seriously.
Taking the time to be held accountable has allowed me the space to be vulnerable with my partner – and be honest about my past.
P.S: To hold oneself accountable means to own one’s feelings, and taking responsibility for one’s contribution to the relationship — good and bad.. Furthermore, it means having the guts to attempt to fix what you did, either by asking for help or applying the discipline to change the behavior.
Are you willing to be held accountable while single, dating, and/or exploring? If so, by who?
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Written by: Q. Edmonds